Random Sunday morning musing!

Have you ever met two people in love who absolutely had no problems ever? Have you met two people in love who is happy 24/7? I haven't either.

Are we really in love? Why is he very short tempered? Is she ignoring the shit out of me? Is she even worth all the effort? Why is he making me cry?

Those aren't the questions you ask yourself. Instead, I would ask myself these questions.

Is that person the first one who comes to my mind when I want to share butter buns from the nearest bakery?

Is that person my home? The kind of person who doesn't yell at me but rather gives me a tight hug when I say, I screwed up.

Is that person my rock? The one who would always chase me like I am the only woman in this world. Who'd never give up on me no matter how difficult I'd become when I argue.

Is that person worth every tear shed? The one that would make me go to places we used to go, looking for the air that he breathed?

Is that person someone who makes me forget what anxiety feels like? The one who doesn't give me the overrated butterflies in my stomach feeling every single time but calms my entire body and mind with just a non-sexual touch.

Yes. Falling in love is easy. It's slightly harder to stay in love. What's even more harder is constantly trying to make that person feel on top of the world.

Don't allow any external forces control you. Don't let anyone influence your decisions. Don't give a shit about what others have to say about him/her. Fu*k em' all. Don't force yourself to fit into the mould that the society approves. When it comes to love, don't aspire to meet the benchmarks that have already been written. Set your own❤️

Lunchbox food packed at home is not just food...

I am learning to appreciate anything and everything I come across lately. Of late, I feel the need to appreciate every little thing in my life (I am proud that I am developing some good habits finally). So today, I wanted to write a blog on the “lunchbox” that I carry to the office every day. You might probably think that I am absolutely jobless and I’m probably getting paid for writing blogs about trivial things during office hours. Well, yeah, maybe I am jobless (I hope my boss doesn’t see this) But I don’t think what I am going to talk about now is a trivial topic. NO. It is not. Let me tell you why.  

Well..My mum is an AWESOME cook. I have a bunch of friends who are still friends with me only for her food. I am not even kidding. I remember one incident vividly. One of my friends came to my house out of the blue, she entered the kitchen, took a plate, put every dish that was on the almirah on the plate all by herself and started eating. She managed to wave me a ‘Hi’ just for the courtesy. I was glad that she acknowledged my presence though. So yeah, everybody in my circle loves her cooking. This is why I find it difficult to adjust with food wherever I go. I am used to always eating tasty, yummy food ever since I was small. Therefore, I find it really difficult to eat a badly made sambar, rasam, chicken curry or anything for that matter. Now, if someone gives me tasteless sambar or vathakozhambu rice, I cringe.

When I was in school, my mum used to pack me lunch every day. I used to be a very difficult person when I was a kid (I still am I guess? :P) I remember plotting every dustbin near my school so that I can drop the remaining food inside the dustbin. Most of the days, I forget to throw the food and go back home with uneaten lunchboxes. When asked about the food, I used to say “I thought I was supposed to have French toast on Mondays and not the boring lemon rice!” Then, one day I surprisingly ended up liking the food from my classmate’s tiffin box. I begged my mum to prepare the same food. So she somehow got in touch with my classmates’ mum and asked her the recipe and cooked the same food (SIGH, the amount of effort she puts in making me eat). I only took a bite of it, complained that the food was radically different from the one I ate from my classmate’s tiffin box (Yeah, I was such a pain the wrong place). This is how I used to be. I was a bad eater. I still am. I am so bloody choosy when it comes to food and I am definitely not proud about it. I can go days without eating. I am a kind of a person who would rather stay hungry than eating the food that I do not like. I, of course, ended up in ulcer few years back (however, I partially recovered now, thanks to my mum and MOP’s food).

Now that I look back, I feel terrible for making my mum suffer a lot. I feel tremendous regret over what I had done in the past and for all the tantrums I threw as a kid. I am 22 years now. Only now, I realized that my mum basically hates cooking. I still wonder how could somebody hate something yet be ridiculously good at it. She cooks very slowly. She needs minimum of two hours to cook a complete meal (I am not even exaggerating). Nevertheless, she cooks yummy food. I now realize how difficult it is for my mum to get me and my brother out the door by 9AM. We always end up yelling her before we get out the door (usually me) for making us wait a little longer for packing the lunchbox. Imaging packing lunch for a person like me. Just knowing that she will have to open it at some point in the evening and face its horror would make her want to cry. And yes, she knows that cafeteria food is an option for me, but she also knows that a super-picky eater like me would do even worse with cafeteria food. Therefore, of late she packs something for me every day.

In order to pack food, she has to wake up early every single day. She has to start cooking a couple of hours before we leave coz my mum’s cooking speed is very low. In the meantime, she gotta prepare morning chai and breakfast for all of us. Sigh! This is definitely not easy! And I feel extremely terrible for all the food I have wasted in my entire life. Because I know that most of the days she should have been shocked by how little was eaten, and the explosive mess that ensued in my meagre attempts to eat. The simple act of taking lunch out of the backpack, placing it on the almirah, and starting to unzip the thing takes courage. Coz the left out food in the tiffin box is not just food. It is hours and hours of effort, sacrifice, love, care, and patience. Every time I look at the lunchbox now, I thank the almighty for giving me food, a wonderful mother and a beautiful family. I know a lot people are struggling without all of these things! 

Ma, I promise, I will never underestimate the relentless effort you put into everything you do for us. Hereafter, I will not waste the food cooked by you. I will not shout at you for making me wait in the morning. I will not hurt you. Also, thank you for being the most amazing mother. I am just extremely lucky to have you in my life. You are a super woman and if I ever have kids, I will love them like how you love us. Thank you for sacrificing everything to make us lead a comfortable and a happy life. We are forever indebted to you. THANK YOU. I hope when I become a mother, I'm at least half the amazing woman you are!

So, to all the moms out there who pack lunch for your kids every day, fist pump to you. Oh, and LOVE and HUGS too. In bulk. <3

Stay Single until you meet “THIS PERSON”

I am someone who had been single for a very long time. How long? Well..for the past 21 years and 12 days to be precise :P It's not that I didn’t have any guy to talk with. In fact, people who know me would tell you that I have more guy friends than girls. Even then, I wasn’t able to find the right guy for myself coz I was very particular about certain things. All the dozens of options at my fingertips seemed to be a little less important coz I've always wanted to save it all up for the right person. I have been called "asexual" for being single all my life. My friends have teased me because I was the only one in the group who didn't have a boyfriend. I have been the 3rd, 4th, or 6th wheel while hanging out with friends. I have always been a part of the ‘No boyfriend since birth’ Club. But to be honest, I've always enjoyed being that way. Coz let me tell you, there are hundreds of ways to enjoy your single life before you find the right one.

You really don’t have to rush into any relationship although you’ll have to come across various struggles that you have to endure from your mean friends, stupid guys, annoying relatives and even the world in general. You don’t have to settle for just any guy. You don’t have to be in a relationship just because you think it’s the cool thing to do these days. You don’t have to be pressured by the fact your friends rub their relationships in your face. You don’t have to be pressured by all the social media posts of couples on your Instagram and Facebook feeds. You don’t have to lower your standards for love just so you can get out of being single.

To all the girls out there, WAIT UNTIL YOU FIND THE RIGHT ONE. Trust me, the process is going to be worth the wait when that time comes(personal experience :P). When you find “THE RIGHT ONE” you’ll know why god has been keeping you away from all the wrong ones. Stay single until you find the guy with the following qualities.

Stay single until you meet the man who changes the standard you once had and suddenly no one can compare. The man who says, “text me when you’re home safe,” and stays up until he knows you are. The man who doesn’t have time for games and is brutally honest with you always. The man who doesn’t make you feel insecure about anything. The man who knows when to apologize when he’s wrong. The man who joins you for lunch coz your only lunch partner at office has taken an off. The man who would drive for hours just to see your face for a few minutes coz regardless of how crazy it may seem to you, it makes sense to him. The man who sends sweet texts in the middle of the meeting he knows you’re stressing over.

Stay single until you meet a man who makes sure you walk on the inside of the sidewalk away from the street. A man who opens every door you walk through. The man who holds your hand shamelessly in public. A man you’d proudly introduce to your father. A man whose heart has been broken several times and it only makes you think that every girl who's ever been a part of his life are LOSERS for not choosing him and at the same time, it makes you want to thank them for the same reason :P The man you cannot live without.  The man who doesn’t make you fear the future. The man you want to create a life with. The man who makes you feel more beautiful just standing beside him. 

Stay single until you find the man who makes you want to be a better woman. The man who is sure of you and never makes you doubt how he feels. The man who motivates you to achieve more and be better. The man who thinks you are the most beautiful girl in the entire world when you are not even trying. A man who makes you enjoy all the cliché stuffs that you might have made fun of your friends for but you get it now. The one who knows that you are sometimes a little all over the place, but has open arms for you to come back to reality.

Stay single until you meet someone who doesn’t view your assertive nature as arrogant or rigid, but as interesting and respectable. The man who doesn’t make dating feel like an obligation, but something you genuinely want to explore. The man you want to spend Sunday mornings with. The man whose kiss makes you want more. The man who makes you want to take it slow in a generation that tells us to rush into the things. The man who takes the relationship as seriously as you do. The man that makes chasing after him not sound so bad after all.

The man you look at and think, “FINALLY.”

Until then. Stay single.

-  A girl who has remained single for 7683 days! :P

Arjun Reddy - A CULT in Tollywood films!

If you want to know how it feels to be in true, passionate, amorous, intense, pure, insane love, watch ARJUN REDDY. Only people who have experienced this kind of love can relate to this film. A love that makes the blood surge in your veins. The mutual thirst, the insanity, the desperation, wildness, the longingness, the intensity, and every single emotion portrayed is beyond beautiful. It is raw. It is real. It is flawed. And there lies the beauty. I could relate to every single scene. Every single shot. Every single frame. And the film made me roll in the loins as I cried and smiled with Arjun and Preethi. And this is because, the film is not a mere presentation of a script, rather it is a life – put up on big screen. There never was a movie as real as this.

There never will be any movie like this.

I still couldn’t hold back my tears while I type this. Yes I am still gonna cry every time I see the film. Coz IT IS THE BEST LOVE FILM EVER MADE. When I say LOVE, it’s not the kisses or the love making scenes that I am mentioning here, NO. It’s the way Arjun talks to her, the way he looks at her, the way he takes care of her, the way he hugs her like she’s the only woman in the world, the way his voice becomes low and bass-y when he talks to her, the way he kisses her passionately, the way they are desperate for each other. Sigh!! Remember a scene where they meet with an accident? They get up as soon as they fall from the bike, they run towards each other with wounds, bruises, blood all over their faces... And.. They kiss. They start kissing even before asking each other if they’re alright! Coz nothing really matters to them. Nothing really matters other than each other's presence. That is what they are. That is how they are.

Isn’t Arjun a perfect guy? I am really surprised that people who watched the film call him a flawed person. NO. He is not. He is perfect in EVERY way. The way he tells Preethi to talk to her father “like a woman and not like a teenager”. The way he tries to explain his dad about ‘Private Space’. The way he says “adhi naa pilla ra” (She is my girl) with that intense amount of love and pain in his eyes, OH MY GOD. The way he says “Naaka pilla ante chaala ishtam raa” (I love that girl so much) to Amith leaving all his ego behind. They way he explains about girls’ PMS issue and shares their pain. The way he says, “I like the way you breathe” to her. The way he explains his brother how babies should happen out of love without planning. The way he loses his temper to a random guy when he starts to objectify Air hostesses. The way he becomes arrogant when a lady says “I love you” to him coz he just CANNOT hear it from any other girl other than Preethi. The way he provides emotional support to his father after the demise of grandmother. Aren’t these just a few classic examples that show us Arjun is beyond perfection in his thoughts?

Thank you Sandeep Reddy Vanga for this. THANK YOU.

I love myself. Because, why not?

I am having a tough day. Therefore, I thought I should write a lengthy list of reasons why I am worth it. Why I matter. Why I am unique and oh-so-irreplaceable. So that in times of struggle, I can whip it out and remind myself just how amazing I really am. I am proud of everything that I am and I will become. I wanted to give myself all of the love I often times forget to give. That is why I sought out this moment alone with myself, to say everything I’ve never said. Because, why not? Self-love is very important, because, as Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "Hate is too great of a burden to bear."

I love myself. I repeat, I love myself, not everything, but I love the good as well as the bad. I love my awkwardness, my quirky habits and my crazy lifestyle, and I love my hard discipline. I love my freedom of speech and the way my eyes turn dark when I become sleepy or tired. I love that I have learnt to trust people with my heart, knowing that it will get broken at some point. The way I have to have my bedroom mirror facing a certain way. Or like to drink a hot glass of chai after eating a spicy breakfast. Or have my pens on my office desk lined up just so. My quirks are adorable and oh-so-loveable!

I love my vulnerability. From the moment that I stood on stage alone with a microphone, to the time I cried in front of my Maths teacher, to the tenderness I express with my loved ones – I am vulnerable. And vulnerability is my strength. I love the fact that I’m vulnerable when it comes to love. Because vulnerability is the essence of love. It’s the art of being contingent, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say, I love you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am, but, more important, all that I am not.

I love the way I love passionately, intensely, irrationally, crazily, psychotically. I love the way I dance, the way I take a deep breath as soon as I step onto the stage. I love the way I sing although I know I suck at it sometimes. I love myself coz I do not drown myself in lipsticks or cover myself with makeup all the time. I love my beautiful body shape that is utterly and uniquely me. Curves, bumps, humps and all – hot damn! I love myself because I am still alive, functioning, breathing and thinking properly.  

I love myself for the decisions I take. My choices. I make them every single day, lots of them. And they’ve got me to where I am right now. I love myself because I’m multi-faceted. Hyper one minute. Unenthusiastic the next. I love how my emotional detachedness makes it easy for me to deal with negativity and hatred. I love my emotions. I love the joy, guilt, sadness, fear. I love all of the emotions I experience, because I know that each one of them is showing me something in order to keep getting to know and work on myself and experience life.

I love myself. And not just myself, but all of my dreams, illusions, hopes and challenges. I’m aware that they all form a part of who am I. My successes and my failures. I love myself because I have dreams, endless, beautiful dreams. And I haven’t stopped believing in them (even if it sometimes feels like I have). I love the fact that I am still a kiddo at heart. Yep, I still love jumping on a trampoline, love making sand houses at beach, love playing with 3-year-old kids. My inner kiddo is still alive and kickin’. And she totally rocks!

I love my ability to be carried away. In a movie theatre, in a dream, in life – I allow myself to be carried away by the fantasy. And I love the fact that I don’t settle. I seek until I find what I am looking for. I love the nature. The moon, the ocean, the trees, the mountains, the rain, the desert. I don’t discriminate and I love myself for that.  I love myself, in the most sincere and real way there is, unconditionally. And that’s why I take care of, forgive and allow myself to enjoy my life. I love the way I love. I give love. I feel love. I spread love. I breathe love. I = love. No one is me and that is my super power.

I love myself coz I created this entire blog without having to stop and think.

I love myself, and by doing so I can love you, him, and everyone else.

I'm not the kind of love....

Dear Love,

I’m not the kind of love that takes the only sweater when it’s extremely cold outside, only to see you shivering because you think that’s chivalry. But love, no, I wouldn’t accept the sweater, rather I’ll give it to you or keep it inside as we walk along until we reach our destination. 

I’m not the kind of love that would ask for all the things I know you couldn’t give. I'd accept all things you give willingly and would accept even if you have nothing to give me. I will not expect anything more than what you are capable to give.

I’m not the kind of love that takes the only seat left on the bus, only to see you standing because you think that’s what men are supposed to do. But love, no, i’d stand with you as we travel along terrible roads. I want both of our feet hurt, not only yours, but also mine.

I’m not the kind of love that restricts you from doing what you love. Baby, go on and dance. Watch the newly released Game of Thrones episode. Enjoy your sleep. Go out with your friends for dinner. Eat well. Have as much fun as possible. Coz love, I know your priorities—I love you but I do not own you. 

I'm not the kind of love that dictates you to do this or to do that. I respect your privacy and freedom to choose things you want to do. I believe in you, love. I believe that you are bound to do greater things that’s why I will always let you do the things that you want to do. I want you to become a better person with every passing day and I know you wouldn’t do anything that could make you a horrible person.

I’m not the kind of love that messages you constantly even when I know you are busy—I am the love that is patient, knowing and trusting that you have all your loyalty with me.

I’m not the kind of love that always thinks you will do something bad. Crazy accusations and assumptions are not my thing. If you know you’re doing things wrongly, then it’s up to your conscience to admit it with me or not. I love you fully and that means I will trust you with all my heart and stand beside you even when the whole world turns against you. Coz baby, you are my world. I don’t care how cliché it sounds. 

I’m not the kind of love that takes you away from all the pain that you experience in life by convincing you that things will fall in the right place, but love, I promise I will be there along the way and make sure everything actually falls in place. I will hold your hand as we make it through the battle. With me, you will never be alone. I promise.

I’m not the kind of love that just says that I don’t care about your past. But love, I will mend you whole as the loser you loved before broke it, and will love you the way you deserved to be loved and will stay by your side no matter how moody you can be.

Love, we don’t know what our destiny has in store for us, it may or may not be me someday, but I wish you all the best. Even if that best will never be me. 

With love,

A simple girl who loves with all her heart and soul :)